Sighing For a Better World
by Alchemist Experiment
Summary: Halfblood Chronicles Fic, ValynMero Valyn knew he shouldn't look at Shadow in that way, knew he shouldn't dream about him. But he couldn't stop himself.


_Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, I am making no money off of this._

_Warnings: This fic contains a relationship between two men. You have been warned._

**Sighing For a Better World**

Valyn would never understand his kind's obsession with carnal pleasures. The very notion of concubines had always made him somewhat uneasy, and now that it was considered normal and proper for _him_ to make use of the harem….

Well, it was just something he preferred to get over and done with as quickly as possible. It wasn't as though he were some blushing virgin - blushing, perhaps, but not a virgin. There was just something vaguely disconcerting about taking to bed a woman he knew his father had slept with. How had such a practice come to be normal?

At least it was over and done with once more. And Kami _had_ been a very nice girl. And very skilled when it came to her craft. Not that Valyn would expect anything less from one of his father's concubines. And Dyran _had_ been boasting of the girl's skill….

Which brought Valyn back to his first train of thought.

"You know, Val, most men look happy when they come back from the harem."

Valyn glanced up and then flushed, meeting Shadow's teasing grin. He glanced away, clearing his throat delicately.

"Yes, well, most men have a rather different view of the whole situation." He ran a hand through his hair and glanced back at his cousin. "Though considering the way I saw some of those girls looking at _you_, I can't imagine you having any complaints."

"They've been looking at me like that since last year," Shadow pointed out, tossing himself down on the bed in Valyn's chambers. He stretched, black hair flopping into his eyes. "Gods and demons, Val, I'd swear even _you _look at me like that sometimes."

"Pardon?" Valyn turned sharply, hoping to still another flush that rose in his cheeks. His expression remained calm, placid, but beneath the surface he was suddenly on fire. He hadn't _really_ looked at Shadow like that…. Had he? Certainly, the boy was very attractive, and they _did_ sleep in the same bed, but it wasn't as though it was something sordid. They'd been sleeping in the same bed since Shadow was eleven! And while he had grown since then, and he was turning into a very handsome young man….

"Relax." Shadow propped himself up on his elbows and grinned. "It just goes to show how dashingly irresistible I am. And I'm just glad your _dear_ father's tastes don't run in that direction." The halfblood gave a mock shudder and Valyn shook his head.

"Don't even joke about that. If he ever laid a hand on you…."

"He won't." Shadow shook his head. "Trust me, he may like humans, but he only likes the female ones. Besides… I know you wouldn't let that happen."

Valyn only nodded. Of course he wouldn't. But… sometimes Dyran took matters into his own hands. He'd disciplined Shadow before, on the rare occasion that Shadow wasn't with Valyn. What if he couldn't always protect his cousin? What if something happened?

He couldn't help but worry. Every time he was even a room away from the other boy, he worried. And in the beginning, he'd worried for himself - what would happen to him if it were discovered he had hidden a halfblood. Now he just worried about Shadow. He knew he couldn't bear it if something happened to the small, dark haired halfblood who had become a permanent fixture in his life.

"Val, you worry too much." Shadow was sitting up now. "Maybe you need another trip to the harem, to put your mind at ease….?"

"Somehow, I doubt that would ease my mind any." He took the window seat, leaning back against the wall and watching the darkened grounds. He snuck a glance at his cousin, out of the corner of his eye. He did have to admit that the boy was quite stunning. Even with the illusion of humanity, he was striking. Almost exotic looking. It wasn't any wonder that many a young concubine found herself sighing over him. But that didn't mean _Valyn_ was sighing over him! But…. Did he truly give Mero longing looks?

"You do."

"Hmm?" What were they talking about now? Valyn had been lost in thought, he hadn't even realized they'd been speaking.

"You give me longing looks. Sorry, you're thinking really loud over there."

"Oh." He looked away once more, turning his attention to the window. Well, if he did, it wasn't on purpose. It wasn't as though he had any intention of acting on whatever internal and subconscious desires he apparently had. He loved Mero like a brother, like a part of himself. Not that he could ever give voice to those feelings, but he felt them all the same. Sometimes he felt them so strongly he felt he would burst, because he could never let them out. Everything stayed inside, no matter how hard he fought it. Ancestors, what he wouldn't give just to be able to _say_ it….

"Valyn, it's fine. It doesn't bother me."

"You know that I wouldn't…." Take advantage, was what Valyn wanted to say. Not that it wouldn't be easy - Mero owed his life to Valyn. But the young elven lord would never, ever abuse his power that way. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he even considered the option.

"I know." Shadow just grinned, seeming perfectly at ease. "You really think I'd think you'd do something like that? Come on, I've known you for years."

"I know." Valyn shook his head. "I just…"

"Can't help but compare yourself to your father." Shadow nodded, and then stood, moving to join Valyn on the window seat. "But you aren't your father. You're nothing like him, Val. You're a good person; don't ever doubt that. And I'm not saying that just because you're risking your neck for me. I know you. And I'm happy to know you. I know I'd be dead if it weren't for you, but…. Gods and demons, we're getting pretty sentimental, aren't we?"

"A failing of your human blood," Valyn teased, gently.

"I don't know, you're feeling pretty sentimental yourself."

Valyn only shook his head and looked away, uncomfortable at being confronted with his own emotions. But at least… at least Shadow knew. At least he didn't I have /I to say anything. It made things easier.

"Hey."

Valyn turned back, meeting Shadow's wide grin once more. The halfblood didn't say anything else. Valyn raised his eyebrows, but then Shadow was leaning forward, crossing the distance between them. It happened so quickly and yet so slowly. Valyn froze, uncertain of what to do or even what was happening. Shadow's hand was on his knee, and then Shadow's lips were against his own.

Immediately, Valyn turned his head. It wasn't that he didn't want it - he knew that at least some part of him _did, _but….

"You don't have to…"

"I want to." Shadow kissed his cheek, then the corner of his mouth. "Maybe you hadn't noticed, but you're not the only one giving sidelong, longing looks."

"I don't want you to do anything you'd regret." Valyn closed his eyes, leaning heavily against the wall behind him. He didn't want to take advantage of Mero! And he couldn't help but think that if he hadn't been thinking it, if it had never come up….

"And I wouldn't do anything I'd regret." Shadow pulled back a fraction. "You don't need to be so… proper all the time."

Valyn pursed his lips and exhaled deeply, and Shadow kissed him once more. It was far different than the kiss of a concubine. It wasn't skilled, it wasn't teasing or searing. It was soft and clumsy and almost innocent. Though neither Valyn nor Mero were innocents. And even still, it warmed Valyn's blood and made his body ache. Cautiously he reached for Shadow, threading his fingers through the halfblood's hair. Shadow was between his legs, leaning forward, and Valyn found the position to be extremely awkward. But he didn't want to break the kiss. Not when Shadow's lips were so soft, and so warm against his own. Not when Shadow was making small, quiet sighs against his mouth. This was unlike anything else Valyn had experienced. He couldn't put his finger on it, he couldn't explain quite why Shadow's touch and Shadow's kiss felt so much more real, so much more _intimate_ than the touch of any concubine. But it was. Valyn found himself lost in it, his fingers tightening in Shadow's hair….

And then the kiss was broken, and Shadow was leaning his head against Valyn's chest, Valyn's fingers still in his hair. Valyn struggled to calm his breathing, to calm the frantic beating of his heart. His legs felt weak and his stomach felt funny, and he was so very, very aware of Shadow leaning against him.

"Did you want to go to bed, Valyn?"

"In a moment." Valyn leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Shadow's head, wrapping an arm around the younger boy and pulling him close. He could never say the words that burned inside of him, but… he could do this. He could hold Shadow close and feel their hearts beating against one another. He could touch him, taste him, give himself over in ways that defied words. And maybe it would be enough, maybe….

Because at the end of the day, his actions were all he had to give.


End file.
